Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

That time I had to talk to my kids about the birds and the bees (by birds and the bees I mean sex) and it was horribly embarrassing.

That time I had to talk to my kids about sex and it was horribly embarrassing.

I have just exited the depths of parental torture and hell.

Sex. They made me talk about sex.

Dinner started out innocently enough. Tuesdays we have school at the co-op, so we always have pizza for dinner because it’s easy and cheap. But somehow, some way…the conversation during the evening meal spun out of control.

And I found myself in the center of The Sex Talk.

Noah asked me a random question about prison and juvenile hall. Why is it scary? Can people hurt you in there? So I began to list the dangers of being incarcerated: drugs, gangs, murders, rape.

Huh? All I got was blank looks on their faces. I resigned myself to the fact that a can of worms had been opened..

Me: Do you know what rape means?
Them: Um, I think so.
Me: It’s when someone forces you to have sex.
Them: You mean, they force you to kiss them and stuff?
Me: No, that is not what sex means…

Then I had to go into logistics: the penis…vaginas…entries…exits…procreation…fornication…etc.

Needless to say, it wasn’t pleasant. They howled with embarrassment and they giggled like a bunch of hyenas. Each time I explained something, it was like the elevator door opening up to some new type of horror.

“Next floor…ejaculation!”

That time I had to talk to my kids about the birds and the bees (by birds and the bees I mean sex) and it was horribly embarrassing.

You should have seen the looks on their faces. I could just see things clicking in their minds as they realized why you have sex, who has sex, what happens when you have sex, and so on and so forth.

Them: Mom!! So…YOU HAVE SEX TOO???
Me: Sigh. Yes.
Them: With daddy?
Me: Yes.
Them: How many times?
Me: Six times.
Them: But sometimes we hear you. The bed makes noise. You do, too.
Me: Oh. Just kill me now. Just kill me and put me out of my misery.

In an effort to get the heat off me, I started naming names.

Me: Everyone has sex. Your Grandma has sex. Your aunt has sex. Your uncle has sex…

I just started dropping dimes left and right, naming pretty much everyone they knew. They were aghast, to say the least.

Them: So basically all our ancestors of humanity have had sex? [this was Noah’s question] Me: Correct.
Them: Aaaarggghhhhhhh!

Then it was like a domino effect.

Them: Every time you have sex, you have a baby? Because Uncle *bleep* doesn’t have babies.
Me: No, you don’t have babies every time.
Them: Oh, then why do you do it? You have sex because you like it?
Me: Ahem. Yes.
Them: So, does that mean you like to have sex, mom?
Me: Please stop asking me these questions.
Them: Wait, so Grandma-mom had sex with TWO PEOPLE?
Me: Yes, because she was married twice.

Loud gasps around the room.

So I tried to tie up the conversation at that. I refused to answer their questions about the “stuff that comes out” that makes a woman have a baby, since they deduced that a woman doesn’t get pregnant each time she has sex. I refuse to discuss sperm and semen with my children. Nope. Not gonna happen.

I have to draw the line somewhere.

I had to let my mind go to my happy place when they started talking about how when they get woodies in the shower. They try to push it back down — and it just won’t go down — and it tickled.

Oh, dear Lord. So I left the room.

A few minutes later, Noah bursts into my room. Clearly, he was not finished with this topic.

Noah: Mom, how long does it take?
Me: Playing ignorant. How long does what take?
Noah: Come on, Mom! The sex!
Me: Oh. The sex. Uhhhhhhhh. It depends.
Noah: You mean to tell me that a man has to leave his penis in the vagina for a really long time? Like an hour or something? Does Daddy leave his penis in your vagina for a really long time? I was hoping for about three seconds or something like that.

At this point, I was at a loss for words. I stared blankly out the window, willing myself to fly out the room and out of the conversation like a bird.

Noah: Well then, I think I’d rather adopt because I don’t wanna have to stick my thing in anyone’s vagina for longer than a few seconds.

Dead.
I’m dead, guys.
Rest in peace, Pearmama.

Photo by George Hiles on Unsplash

Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

The little monsters I have created.

Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

Happy Birthday, Ben Diesel!

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There are 24 comments

  1. Fayola

    Oh. Dear. God.

    God bless you. Talks like that are are one of the few times I’m happy I don’t have kids. Whenever questions come up w/ my little cousins, my response is always “Go ask your Mom/Dad,” and I’m done.

  2. JessicaB

    Hey girl, just want to let you know that I am proud of you. You’re kids are better off knowing they can talk to you than to read it in some biology book somewhere.
    PS ask my parents if it ever gets easier 🙂

  3. whittakerwoman

    THIS BY FAR IS MY FAVORITE POST EVER ON THE BLOGESPHERE! EVER! I am at starbucks making a scene. Besides the fact that I am laughing out loud… ALONE, I am kicking and hitting the side of the chair. Oh this will be blogged again my friend. I can not let this one go! Oh man this made my day! LOVE IT!

  4. Lisa.....

    I bought my girls this book about being a girl. Acne, Periods, sex, all that. I seriously read from it because it makes me less nervous. The nurse. Whenever they have a question I say let’s look it up in the book. And I am finally getting more comfortable with the oldest. Just when it’s time to have more talks with my youngest. Ugh.

  5. pete

    HA-LAR-EE-OUS!

    thanks for the insight… I’m already NOT looking forward to this conversation when my kids grow *old* enough… but now I’m thinkin’ I might actually have some FUN with it!

  6. Lanxi

    Absolutely hysterical! Sounds like our home with our boys.

    You did good, momma. You did good.

  7. Ms. Trish

    this is the best!!! you just made my morning! will take into consideration letting my son read this when my son asks me about “where to babies really come from??” next time.

  8. Becky

    You brave, brave women.

    Are you traumatized? God bless you for being so honest. I dread, dread, DREAD having this conversation with my girlies.

    This from the woman who declared that if that was why my DH wanted to marry me, he had another thing coming!!!

    It did take us 7 years to have our first baby.

    And yes, he is a saint. We’ve definitely established that.

  9. Michelle

    OMG I had to contain my laughter. My daughter is in the next room and knowing her she would have heard me laughing and asked why, then I would have had to explain and she’s not one for short evasive answers, which would have led me to have that same conversation. Although we’ve had parts of that conversation, but not all yet.

  10. Three Fold Cord

    you have prepared me for what is to come. Thank you Thank you! I laughed, I got embarresed and I talked with my hubby and I feel like we are better ready for that time when it comes. THANK YOU!!!

  11. Abby

    Wow. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

    We have always encouraged our girls to ask us anything. Well, our oldest takes that to heart & asks us all sorts of things, little sister is usually around for the discussion too. It made me think — she hasn’t asked any questions in a while. Good reminder for me to be on the top of my game!

  12. barnettblend

    That was hilarious!!! I loved it… boys are so different than girls in the way they react to this kinda stuff. me and my sisters were waaaay different when we learned about sex. 🙂 So it really opened my eyes in how Joey will probably react when we have “the talk”. 🙂

  13. cindylu

    you’re so great when you come to describing the non glamorous and dreaded aspects of being a parent.

  14. Lori-Lynn Navarro

    I guess this is what I get to look forward to! Boys! The idea of this TERRIFIES me, but you made it through, right? This was great, thank you for sharing the laughs with us!

  15. nichola

    Brilliant!!! I went through the same thing with my daughter – “YUK! You do what with daddy?? Are you mental?”
    This was hilarious to read – I nearly choked!

  16. love and hate los angeles

    wow girl you got quite the response here lol
    Good for you for being a trooper and taking one of the team 🙂
    It is uncomfortable but it has to be done and its best when it comes directly from the mom and dad.
    Plus you are such a cool chick by the way.
    take care.

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