Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

birds-bees-sex-pearmama

That time I had to talk to my kids about sex and it was horribly embarrassing.

I have just exited the depths of parental torture and hell.

Sex. They made me talk about sex.

Dinner started out innocently enough. Tuesdays we have school at the co-op, so we always have pizza for dinner because it’s easy and cheap. But somehow, some way…the conversation during the evening meal spun out of control.

And I found myself in the center of The Sex Talk.

Noah asked me a random question about prison and juvenile hall. Why is it scary? Can people hurt you in there? So I began to list the dangers of being incarcerated: drugs, gangs, murders, rape.

Huh? All I got was blank looks on their faces. I resigned myself to the fact that a can of worms had been opened..

Me: Do you know what rape means?
Them: Um, I think so.
Me: It’s when someone forces you to have sex.
Them: You mean, they force you to kiss them and stuff?
Me: No, that is not what sex means…

Then I had to go into logistics: the penis…vaginas…entries…exits…procreation…fornication…etc.

Needless to say, it wasn’t pleasant. They howled with embarrassment and they giggled like a bunch of hyenas. Each time I explained something, it was like the elevator door opening up to some new type of horror.

“Next floor…ejaculation!”

talking-to-kids-about-sex

You should have seen the looks on their faces. I could just see things clicking in their minds as they realized why you have sex, who has sex, what happens when you have sex, and so on and so forth.

Them: Mom!! So…YOU HAVE SEX TOO???
Me: Sigh. Yes.
Them: With daddy?
Me: Yes.
Them: How many times?
Me: Six times.
Them: But sometimes we hear you. The bed makes noise. You do, too.
Me: Oh. Just kill me now. Just kill me and put me out of my misery.

In an effort to get the heat off me, I started naming names.

Me: Everyone has sex. Your Grandma has sex. Your aunt has sex. Your uncle has sex…

I just started dropping dimes left and right, naming pretty much everyone they knew. They were aghast, to say the least.

Them: So basically all our ancestors of humanity have had sex? [this was Noah’s question] Me: Correct.
Them: Aaaarggghhhhhhh!

Then it was like a domino effect.

Them: Every time you have sex, you have a baby? Because Uncle *bleep* doesn’t have babies.
Me: No, you don’t have babies every time.
Them: Oh, then why do you do it? You have sex because you like it?
Me: Ahem. Yes.
Them: So, does that mean you like to have sex, mom?
Me: Please stop asking me these questions.
Them: Wait, so Grandma-mom had sex with TWO PEOPLE?
Me: Yes, because she was married twice.

Loud gasps around the room.

So I tried to tie up the conversation at that. I refused to answer their questions about the “stuff that comes out” that makes a woman have a baby, since they deduced that a woman doesn’t get pregnant each time she has sex. I refuse to discuss sperm andΒ semen with my children. Nope. Not gonna happen.

I have to draw the line somewhere.

I had to let my mind go to my happy place when they started talking about how when they get woodies in the shower. They try to push it back down — and it just won’t go down — and it tickled.

Oh, dear Lord. So I left the room.

A few minutes later, Noah bursts into my room. Clearly, he was not finished with this topic.

Noah: Mom, how long does it take?
Me: Playing ignorant.Β How long does what take?
Noah: Come on, Mom! The sex!
Me: Oh. The sex. Uhhhhhhhh. It depends.
Noah: You mean to tell me that a man has to leave his penis in the vagina for a really long time? Like an hour or something? Does Daddy leave his penis in your vagina for a really long time? I was hoping for about three seconds or something like that.

At this point, I was at a loss for words. I started blankly out the window, willing myself to fly out the room and out of the conversation like a bird.

Noah: Well then, I think I’d rather adopt because I don’t wanna have to stick my thing in anyone’s vagina for longer than a few seconds.

Dead.
I’m dead, guys.
Rest in peace, Pearmama.

 

Image source: Flickr/Tom Raven

Shares 0
Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

The little monsters I have created.

Please don’t make me talk about sex ever again

Happy Birthday, Ben Diesel!

Newer post

There are 33 comments

  1. Fayola

    Oh. Dear. God.

    God bless you. Talks like that are are one of the few times I’m happy I don’t have kids. Whenever questions come up w/ my little cousins, my response is always “Go ask your Mom/Dad,” and I’m done.

  2. JessicaB

    Hey girl, just want to let you know that I am proud of you. You’re kids are better off knowing they can talk to you than to read it in some biology book somewhere.
    PS ask my parents if it ever gets easier πŸ™‚

  3. Mrs. Bear

    As the coordinator for a teen pregnancy prevention program I HAVE TO say this…good job! Kids NEED to talk to their parents about sex. Congratulations. You are now one step further from being a grandma at 38 πŸ™‚

  4. Threeboys1mommy

    Shoot! If my sons told me what Noah said to you I’d die happy πŸ˜‰

    Sounds like a fun evening, much better than sitting around the tv watching AI like the rest of America was. Good times.

  5. whittakerwoman

    THIS BY FAR IS MY FAVORITE POST EVER ON THE BLOGESPHERE! EVER! I am at starbucks making a scene. Besides the fact that I am laughing out loud… ALONE, I am kicking and hitting the side of the chair. Oh this will be blogged again my friend. I can not let this one go! Oh man this made my day! LOVE IT!

  6. Lisa.....

    I bought my girls this book about being a girl. Acne, Periods, sex, all that. I seriously read from it because it makes me less nervous. The nurse. Whenever they have a question I say let’s look it up in the book. And I am finally getting more comfortable with the oldest. Just when it’s time to have more talks with my youngest. Ugh.

  7. pete

    HA-LAR-EE-OUS!

    thanks for the insight… I’m already NOT looking forward to this conversation when my kids grow *old* enough… but now I’m thinkin’ I might actually have some FUN with it!

  8. Lanxi

    Absolutely hysterical! Sounds like our home with our boys.

    You did good, momma. You did good.

  9. Ms. Trish

    this is the best!!! you just made my morning! will take into consideration letting my son read this when my son asks me about “where to babies really come from??” next time.

  10. - Sarah :-)

    So this is the first time I’ve visited your blog and it. was. HYSTERICAL!! I will definitely eb back… if that’s alright, of course.

    I do NOT look forward to having this talk somehow with my children years down the road, when they exist. Oh Good Lord help me figure it out!! I never got the talk… somehow, I just knew. CRAZINESS!!

  11. Becky

    You brave, brave women.

    Are you traumatized? God bless you for being so honest. I dread, dread, DREAD having this conversation with my girlies.

    This from the woman who declared that if that was why my DH wanted to marry me, he had another thing coming!!!

    It did take us 7 years to have our first baby.

    And yes, he is a saint. We’ve definitely established that.

  12. Michelle

    OMG I had to contain my laughter. My daughter is in the next room and knowing her she would have heard me laughing and asked why, then I would have had to explain and she’s not one for short evasive answers, which would have led me to have that same conversation. Although we’ve had parts of that conversation, but not all yet.

  13. CityStreams

    Oh. My. Gosh. Oh. My. BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Gosh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I have NEVER laughed so hard before. That’s hilarious. Seriously.

    Like an hour… hahahahahah. Oh. my. sigh. I can’t even stop laughing to put together a coherent comment.

    Three seconds. Hee hee hee heee! Sigh.

    Maybe we should just stop with the one little girl we have. I don’t know if I can deal with a boy. But it’s too funny.

  14. Three Fold Cord

    you have prepared me for what is to come. Thank you Thank you! I laughed, I got embarresed and I talked with my hubby and I feel like we are better ready for that time when it comes. THANK YOU!!!

  15. Abby

    Wow. This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

    We have always encouraged our girls to ask us anything. Well, our oldest takes that to heart & asks us all sorts of things, little sister is usually around for the discussion too. It made me think — she hasn’t asked any questions in a while. Good reminder for me to be on the top of my game!

  16. barnettblend

    That was hilarious!!! I loved it… boys are so different than girls in the way they react to this kinda stuff. me and my sisters were waaaay different when we learned about sex. πŸ™‚ So it really opened my eyes in how Joey will probably react when we have “the talk”. πŸ™‚

  17. kitpalmer

    This is the funniest thing I have read in a while! It’s funny because I know your pain. My wife and I were forced into this same discussion with our 9-year-old (boy/girl) twins when they were sent to a sex ed. class at school! The permission slips (that we never got) were sent home to EXEMPT them from the class. Since we didn’t see the notes, they went without our knowlege.

    My daughter came home talking non-stop about it, with a bag full of tampons and some fairly graphic pamphlets. My son locked himself in his room and wouldn’t come out until I got home! He wouldn’t look his mother in the eye for days.

    Of course, since my daughter couldn’t stop talking about it, we had to explain things to our seven-year-old daughter as well.

    Something is wrong when you have to have the “sex” talk and the “Santa Clause is not real” talk in the same month!

  18. texasinafrica

    At least you got it out of the way all at once! If I were you, I’d start directing all further inquires to dad. πŸ™‚

  19. Leslie

    Hi! I’m a stalker… of blogs that is… I love yours! Don’t worry, we’re semi-connected, through mutual Sandals friends, and I’m not a creep in anyway… I think? But anyways, this post makes me roll out of my chair and onto the floor laughing, not literally of course, but this is a great story told so well. I love your huge family and I hope God blesses us in like manner… It makes me sad that so many folks count this as another reason to NOT have kids. What? I read this and see beautiful children being taught God’s design for creation, the right way, not at school by their who-knows-what peers. I come from a different attitude though I suppose… I read your stories and see fun and adventure where most folks see burden, I agree wholeheartedly with the “who would watch TV when you have kids?” comment.

  20. Susanna...

    OMG i loved this!!came over from whittakerwoman & was laughing hysterically!!! have 5 kids at my house….i can only imagine…we haven’t quite approached that subject, but i’m pregnant, and questions are coming out! pretty soon….i’m SURE it’ll be something similar to what you described!!

  21. cindylu

    you’re so great when you come to describing the non glamorous and dreaded aspects of being a parent.

  22. Lori-Lynn Navarro

    I guess this is what I get to look forward to! Boys! The idea of this TERRIFIES me, but you made it through, right? This was great, thank you for sharing the laughs with us!

  23. nichola

    Brilliant!!! I went through the same thing with my daughter – “YUK! You do what with daddy?? Are you mental?”
    This was hilarious to read – I nearly choked!

  24. love and hate los angeles

    wow girl you got quite the response here lol
    Good for you for being a trooper and taking one of the team πŸ™‚
    It is uncomfortable but it has to be done and its best when it comes directly from the mom and dad.
    Plus you are such a cool chick by the way.
    take care.

Post a comment