When you’re struggling in your marriage

When you're struggling in your marriage.

I won’t blow sunshine up your skirt. We’re still in a precarious place. Marriage is hard. It takes some time to work through habits and traumas that have happened years before we even entered into this marriage.

It’s been kind of quiet around these parts lately. Why?

Because, life.

Summer, chil’rens home every day, beach days, church, lunch dates with friends, home projects, teenagers that keep me on my toes and the single mama / work from home life — all of it has kept me from sharing parts of it on my blog. To be honest, there is just some stuff that I would rather keep to myself. The hard stuff, the painful stuff — the stuff I just want to put my head down and grind straight through in hopes that when I come up for air it will have resolved itself — sometimes I just don’t want to talk about it.

But I write for myself, too, to chronicle my life. As much as I’d like to forget the struggles I’ve been going through, I keep reminding myself to feel.

Feel it all (no matter how painful it is).
Learn from it.
Let it refine you, not define you.
Grow as a person.

And that is exactly what I’ve been doing.

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The single mama life; I know that’s what made you perk up your ears. Four months. My husband and I were separated for the past four months.

When your marriage takes an unexpected road.

When you are struggling in your marriage, it’s not something you feel like advertising. Still, I feel no shame in it. We’ve all been here at some point. It hurts like hell and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

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Meanwhile, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

I learned that when you aren’t dealing with everyday strife, you can really get a lot of work done (and therefore, make more money).
I learned that in the midst of intense heartache and pain, if you open yourself up to it, God will provide a glimpse of hope for your future.
I learned that many simple pleasures in life aren’t as pleasurable when you don’t have someone special to share them with.
I learned that there were many things I took for granted as a married woman —  someone to sit with at night under the full moon, an arm around my waist on Sunday morning, a kiss good morning and goodnight.
And finally, I learned that I really like being by myself (this self-realization was kind of scary, to be honest).

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I won’t blow sunshine up your skirt. We’re still in a precarious place. Marriage is hard. It takes some time to work through habits and traumas that happened years before we even entered into this marriage. But at the end of the day, we still love each other.

Love is a choice, every day.

What helped me

I read this book by Dr. Gary Chapman titled, Desperate Marriages. This quote helped me move toward forgiveness:

I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate

I also continually remind myself of the principles of “reality living”:

  1. I am responsible for my own attitude.
  2. My attitude affects my actions.
  3. I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
  4. My emotions do NOT control my actions.
  5. Admitting my imperfections does not mean that I am a failure.
  6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.

We’re trying, and taking it day by day. Of course, it’s not easy. But I’m happy that we are stepping toward the direction of reconciliation. We owe this much to our children.

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There are 24 comments

  1. Kathy Cano-Murillo

    You have so much grace and love, you never stop inspiring me to be a better person, Denise! Sending, you, mike and the family lots of love always!

  2. Dariela

    Thanks de verdad for sharing all this. I agree, it’s hard and it’s even harder to talk about it like you’re doing here. I think your words do help others to know what has helped and what hasn’t and appreciate whatever we all have and learn and keep going! Marriage is hard work!

  3. Mari

    Beautiful honest share best of luck and I always respect and appreciate your posts because they are relate able life is full of stuff sometimes people putto much pressure on themselves to be a perfect picture so thank you :)xo

    1. Denise Cortes

      Sometimes knowing you aren’t the only person going through trials is a relief. If they made it through it, so can I.

  4. Toril

    Very happy to hear that you are working towards reconciliation!

    Try reading Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis – excellent book and concept.

    Best wishes!!!

  5. Stephanie Chavez

    Bless you for sharing such private information with your readers. It isn’t easy talking about, but the truth is we all at some point will go through some really difficult times with our spouses. I chose love too, and so far it has paid off. That quote you shared, “I will choose the road of love because its potential is far greater than the road of hate,” is so true. If love and respect are still present, there is definitely room for healing and moving forward. It just takes time and patience.

  6. Eileen Carter-Campos

    Thanks for sharing! You’re so right!
    It ain’t easy… Love the way you share, keep it real but also maintain that respect for your husband! I don’t like to read the trashing posts that I see! After all, we fell in love with them for a reason… We always have to remember that!!!

    1. Denise Cortes

      Respect, always. And you’re right — I have to continually remember why I fell in love with my husband in the first place.

  7. Yvette (Muy Bueno)

    Oh sweetie! Take care. Believe that your marriage can and should be awesome! You deserve it!

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