It feels like that dream you have where you wake up breathless and happy. When my son was nine, he woke up one morning exceptionally hyped (not a new occurrence with Diego) and giddy, going on and on about how he dreamt he could fly. His face was radiant and he was smiling with all of his teeth.
Like one of those dreams you can feel it feel it.
Occasionally I would get these dreams about my life. They were more like visions than dreams because I would be awake and seeing it all in my mind’s eye. Living life as an artist. Creating in a large industrial loft, painting. Tucked into the side of a mountain full of plants. Listening to nature. Believing in magic. Feeling free with my body, light. Not feeling guilty or bogged down about sin, the end of the world, hell.
I could see it, clear as day. It would excite me. Sometimes my eyes would well up in tears and I had no idea why. But then “reality” would wash down over me like hot lava.
Who do you think you are to deserve a life like that? That’s only in the movies. Get your head out of the clouds.
And life would carry on as usual. I always thought I had great self-esteem, that my mama raised me to value myself. When I really dissect and unpack what it means to not fully believe you deserve the beautiful life you dream of, I now understand that I did not esteem myself as highly as I thought I did. And from the fundamental core of my being, I felt I had no right to get what I desire in life.
I’ve been working on self-love with a vengeance. I’ve been discovering different modalities of healing: meditation, grounding in nature, indigenous medicine, cannabis, elevating the ancestors and water healing. I’ve been spending time with the moon. I’ve had to silence the very vocal inner critic (she was hella mean). I’ve changed my connection with food. I’ve also had to enforce some boundaries with all relationships in my life. This led to a few friendships dissolving. Most importantly, I have begun to trust myself and my intuition. She’s been there all along, I’m just choosing to honor her now.
I’m happy to say this is the most grounded, the freest I’ve ever felt in my life.
I am remembering who I am.
