Feels like that dream you have where you wake up breathless + happy. One hopeful morning in 2008, my son Diego woke up exceptionally hyped (so not a new occurrence with Diego) He was almost giddy, going on about how he dreamt he could fly. His face was radiant, his cheeks pink + shiny. He was smiling with all of his teeth.

Like one of those dreams you can feel it feel it.

Occasionally I would get these dreams about my life. They were more like visions than dreams because I would be awake and seeing it all in my mind’s eye. Living life as an artist, a creative. Living creating existing in a large open space

painting

writing

designing

creating

healing

Tucked into the side of a mountain filled with plants, art. Birds chirping up in the trees, their leaves lightly swaying in the wind. Listening to nature, my feet in the cold water at the creek. Dreaming + meditating in a giant outdoor tub. My apothecary expansive, organized + well-tended to. Believing in magic. My altars an extension of my self. Loved ones + lovers nearby. Feeling free with my body, light, flexible. No guilt, no shame no to being bogged down about sin, the end of the world, hell.

I could see it, clear as day. It would stir energy inside my body. Sometimes my eyes would well up in tears and I had no idea why. It was so beautiful.

Then “reality” would wash down over me like hot lava.

Who do you think you are to deserve a life like that? Get your head out of the clouds.

And life would carry on as usual. I once possessed the idea I had great self-esteem, that my mama raised me to value myself. But when I looked into the mirror, I slowly began to lay out before me all the things that made me believe I did not deserve the beautiful life I dreamed of. From this very heavy base in my being, I felt I had no right to all I desire in life. I now know this false belief was cast upon me through colonization and that it did not belong to me.

I’ve been working on self-love with a vengeance. I’ve been discovering different modalities of healing: meditation, grounding in nature, indigenous medicine, cannabis, elevating the ancestors and water healing. I’ve been spending time with the moon. I’ve had to silence the very vocal inner critic (she was a mean bitch). I’ve changed my connection with food. I’ve also had to enforce some boundaries with all relationships in my life. This led to several friendships dissolving. Most importantly, I have begun to trust myself and my intuition. She’s been there all along, I’m just choosing to honor her now.

I’m happy to say this is the most grounded, the freest I’ve ever felt in my life.

I am remembering who I am.

art offering: Sueño