My rage been on simmer for a minute now + it’s picking up tempo. So many systems destructing before our very eyes, the energy so intense at times I don’t know what to do with all of it.

I’ve never felt more vulnerable and tender and these emotions are manifesting as anger and rage. Sacred rage. The wild thing is, I never saw myself as an angry person. Snapshots of anger, for me, have always been male anger — violence, aggression, abuse.

But as I sit with these feelings, I take note of the tightness in my jaw

intestines all clenched up

my heart heavy, tired

hot tears streaming down my face.

mirror work

I saw myself in the mirror today. I saw an angry person. A raging bitch. And I love her so much, you know. Loved all her iterations- the little girl with the braids clocking everything, the maiden trying to escape, the eldest daughter decolonizing like her life depended on it [and did], the virgin mother in white no adornments, the enraged wife ready to drive the family van into a tree. Like if this man does not stop screaming in my face imma drive us straight into that fucking tree gawd maybe then he’ll shut his mouth.

I knew where all the thickest, tallest pepper trees were in my hood.

Me and the spirit of anger, we been locked in. Kali Ma with her dark skin, tongue out, looking like she just snapped the fuck off, a severed head in her hands. Yeh, that part. Tlazoltéotl, squatting down on the ground, the eater of filth, the Earth mother goddess. Defender and protector, she taught me duality. My ancestral grandmothers ride for me too and they play zero games — they have been my voice many times. Anger, she’s protected me + guided me and my watery, delusional self needed the movement, the heat. My nature is to be soft and willing to lovingly pool myself around you but too many times (and much too early in life) my soft nature was taken advantage of. So now my pool can quickly become a vast, deep dark cenote and I won’t hesitate to plunge you to the depths.

[she’s my warrior self. I once saw myself as a warrior in a guided meditation, it was wild. She wore red paint on her face — she was big and solid and powerful and she commanded my attention. I saw her from a distance but I recognized her immediately]

Still, I think it’s time for me and anger to part ways. Anger can be all-consuming and to be honest, my liver wants to rest. My eyes are fatigued from seeing red. My heart wants to stop burning. My nervous system said let’s stop fighting everyone hoe. At least for today. Funny how these feelings come up right on the full moon, a Buck full moon in Capricorn. Usually I am up in the middle of the night of a full moon doing all the full moon tings, waiting for the moonrays to shine through my bedroom window. Instead, I collapsed into bed before midnight.

So much of my body + mind is releasing this heavy energy. I’m grateful for anger and what it brought into my life but also I innerstand how much it takes to carry around. I want to put it down. I want to be lighter. I want to be less of a beast. I want to be the little girl with the braids again.

art offering: Fire Woman